Matilda McHenry and the Jaguar King

[annamarie]

Chapter One
Just a Normal Girl

On a cold February morning a blonde, blue eyed girl woke up. She got out some clothes and was tying her shoes when her dad

called.

"Mattie are you up yet?"

Mattie, she hated being called that! Her mother named her Matilda and that's what she wanted to be called.

"Yes dad, getting ready right now."

She looked in the mirror. She had nothing on her face, but her hair looked like it was getting blonder everyday. Her dad

told her it was just like her mom's. That's why she didn't complain. Then she saw that gazing into a mirror would get her

nowhere. She walked down the hall and into the kicten. Matilda got herself some chocolate cereal and sat down at the table.

"I got to go now," Matilda's dad said, "Bye Mattie."

"Bye Dad," Matilda replied, "have fun at work"

"I'll try,"he said with a grin.

Matilda's dad left her alone before school ever since she was in third grade. She really didn't mind, acually liked having

the house to herself. She picked up her bowl of cereal and walked into the living room. She didn't know why it was called the

living room. It should be called the room. It should be called the room because no one really lived in it. Matilda was the

only one. When she finished her cereal, she walked up to the phone and called her friend, Ida. Ida's mom answered "Hello?"

"Hi Mrs.Arlo, is Ida there?" Matilda asked knowing that she was.

"Yes she is," Mrs.Also said"here she is."

"Hello?"Matilda heared her friends voice

"Hi Ida, wanna meet at the bus stop or the tree?" Matilda said. Matilda and lda had walked to school together for 2 and a

half years. Every morning Matilda would ask if she wanted to meet at the bus stop on the corner at this pretty willow tree.

"Acually Mat, I'm walking with Sarah."Ida said.

"Oh," Matilda sighed.

"I would invite you but-" Ida began.

"Sarah dosen't want me to come." Matilda finished.

"Yeah." Ida said, "I'll see you at recess."

"Okay, bye." Matilda said.

"Bye" Ida said.

Sarah? Why was Ida walking with Sarah? Sarah hated them since second grade. She teased them and tortured them. Then Ida

thought that it would all be good and she would see her at recess. How could she! Matilda picked up her bag and stromed out

the front door. She looked across the street there was Sarah and Ida talking like they were great friends. Maybe Ida just wasn't her friend.[uploadedFiles=1238290340;2]

[Rightest Rachel]

Okay, I'll move this to the children's section. I however do suggest some editing. I'll send you corrections. If you want them you can replace what you have in the new text with the text above.

[annamarie]

Chapter 2
That’s weird

Matilda crossed the street and walked a few paces. She looked across the street again. Expecting to see Ida and Sarah she was shocked to see someone else. I t wasn’t the fact that there was someone else but he was staring at her. Another thing is that he looked like he just popped out of a history book. He was wearing a cloak that looked like it came from the late 1800s.

Matilda observed him in case she had to do a description to the police. He had very dark skin and red hair. There was a trace of a beard on his face and eyes that looked grey. Matilda walked on. She didn’t want to keep walking at a normal pace. She didn’t trust him. When she reached her school Ida and Sarah were right behind her.
“Did you see her?” Sarah asked Ida snickering

“mum-huh.” Ida replied energetically

They were talking about her! Matilda knew they were. Ida forgot about all they had been through. Matilda held back tears. Then she asked herself why she was crying. She should be mad. She looked at the group about to cross the street. The only person she didn’t know was one boy. He looked around her age. He had brown hair, green eyes, and medium skin. He smiled at her. Matilda looked away , but smiled to herself.

Matilda walked to her classroom. While walking she accidentally bumped into someone. Books and papers fell to the ground.
“I’m so sorry.” Matilda said

“It’s okay” the girl said

They stared at each other. The girl had strait black hair and grey eyes. Her skin looked unnaturally pale.

“Vanessa!” someone called
A woman with tight red curls and brown eyes walked over.

“Vanessa you can’t be late again.” she said “Let us go.”

“Yes Scarlett” she said

Matilda walked on. She never saw something the strange before. Matilda went to class and was bored most of the day. After school Ida ran up to Matilda.

“Matilda, where were you at recess and lunch?” Ida asked

Matilda gave no response

“Is this about Sarah?”Ida said knowing the answer “Matt I’m still your friend, Sarah just wanted, I mean REALLY wanted, me to walk with her”

“Okay,” Matilda said “want to come to my house?”

Ida couldn’t say anything before Sarah ran up. Sarah got right between them pretending she was their best friend.

“So Ida we walking home together?” She asked in a ‘sweet` voice.

Matilda walked away letting her anger get the best of her. Matilda ran all the way home. She was ready to get a snack and do her homework. She Opened the door and called “Anyone home?”

“I am.” Her dad called

“Where are you?” Matilda called

“Living room ” He said

He’s in the living room? Why was he in the living room? Did he have business partner over? Matilda walked to the living room. She stood in the doorway shocked. Her dad was sitting on the couch next to a lady with blonde hair. There was a little girl with blue eyes sitting on the floor playing with a doll.

“Matilda this is Priscilla, my girlfriend,” He said “and her daughter, Macy”

[Rightest Rachel]

Jaguar King... Oh no!
Joking...
Nice tricks with the MS, though.

[Gifted]

Pretty good for your age group.

I think the description of "guy in cloak" could have been better. Also, I think you should make your chapters a bit longer.

Otherwise good job! Do you want me to edit for you? Or beta. Whatever you prefer.

And as in the spirit of John Green, I'll end this review with "Best wishes! DFTBA!"

P.S. @rach, what does MS mean? Jamie asked me and I don't even know.

Reason for Editing: Added the P.S.