Post by Canada Cowboy on Jul 9, 2009 18:09:11 GMT -8
A while ago, I wrote a piece on friendship, and what I considered to be crucial in making friends. While I did generate some discussion, I feel there is a bigger issue at hand that may be worth discussing, and that’s the issue of peer pressure. Too often, we have seen that people do things against their own morals and principles, and sometimes even against the law, all because their friends urged them to do so. The results are usually harm being done to a third party, damages between friendships, and other terrible side-effects that created more problems. And this is where our discussion begins.
This article begins from about a decade ago, when I was still attending junior high school. I just emerged from elementary school, having a set vision of the world, and felt junior high was just an expanded version of that. One of the core classes that each student in my junior high, whether Grade Seven, Eight, or Nine, had to take was “Life Skills,” where we are taught a series of subjects on how to relate to others in our future. It was a broadly subjected class, with topics ranging from health, life management, relation to others, etc. At the beginning, I truly didn’t know what to expect, so naturally I chose to go along with it and hoped I could pick up some information along the way.
Then the unit on peer pressure came along, and truly got my attention. My teacher at the time discussed how, as we grow into our teen years, we will experience a change in our psychology, to the point where we may be confused on what the appropriate course of action is. In the midst of uncertainty regarding how certain choices should be made, it is natural that the individual may choose to side with whoever they feel closest to, may it be friends, classmates, teammates from sports teams, etc. Rarely will family members be in this target group, as my teacher described that it is usually in the teenage mentality to be against too much parental input, as that may be seen as overly controlling. In cases like such, my teacher gave us a simple formula called: “When you, I feel, because.” She believed that, with this line, one could get their own views across, stating the confusion in how to make the decision, and hoping that one’s friends or relatives would understand the possibility in a wrong decision being made and leading to disaster.
To prove her point, my teacher showed us an old episode of Degrassi Junior High as filmed in the late 1980’s. It was an episode called “Trust Me” where one character, Snake, was convinced by his two friends Joey and Wheels, to hold a sleepover with them behind his parents’ backs. Unfortunately, Snake and friends slept in, causing Wheels, who had an appointment the next day, to be late. Given that the episode took place on a weekend, bus schedules were sparse, causing Joey to drive Wheels to his appointment in the car belonging to Snake’s parents, despite not having a driver’s license. Throughout the entire episode, it was seen that Snake was very indecisive, not sure what to do when each given situation arose. Joey’s constant badgering of Snake, often ending his offers with the line “Trust Me,” placed Snake in a difficult spot. He knew that going against his parents was wrong, but didn’t want to disappoint his friends either. And in the end, all three boys were punished, as Joey ended up believing that he crashed the car. He tried to get the damaged spot fixed, only to find out later on that the spot was damaged some time ago by Snake’s parents. It was here that my teacher asserted that her formula would be ideal for Snake to use on Joey. Given that Snake was confused over what to do, he could have used the line and hoped Joey, as his friend would understand.
After watching the video, my first reaction was that it was the cheesiest thing I had ever heard. It wasn’t just because I just watched a TV series from the 1980’s, but also due to the corny nature of the line. Given the way it sounded, as almost pleading to the others to not do something, I had my doubts that it would actually work. Was it possible that by telling the other side how one truly felt about an issue, it would lead to solving the problem? Naturally, I had my doubts, because throughout my elementary years, I had seen firsthand what bullying students faced daily. Moreover, I was the victim for several of these taunts and putdowns, and telling the ones involved in the act to stop it because I didn’t like it surely didn’t help. So surely, with a supposedly more “vicious” world of junior high out there, it isn’t likely to work at all, right?
But how wrong I would be, as peer pressure soon began to rear its ugly head; I had observed an unbelievable amount of bullying through the years, and luckily only a few were targeted at me. There was pushing and shoving in hallways, taunts in the lunch area, bigger students harassing smaller ones in gym class, all that sort of thing. I tried my best to stay out of trouble, and being a focused academic, tried my best not to be involved in any of the taunting. But it became increasingly difficult, as the number of connections between students increased dramatically. There were situations where my own friends were asked to be involved in such pranks, and sometimes I was told to get my hands in as well. It got to the point where the pranks were so nasty that students of age fourteen or fifteen were running out of a classroom in tears, all the while those doing the bullying laughed and joked some more, at the expense of their victims.
That really got me thinking back to the line I first heard in Grade Seven: “When you, I feel, because.” In a given situation, it seems so weak for someone to resort to the line. But in a position where whether a malicious act proceeded or became halted, it is the crucial line. So many times, I saw people battle with their inner selves, wondering if a certain act would create a nastier situation. They didn’t want their friends to be upset if they refused to play along, but they knew it was against their own morals. Too often, the outcome is to draw in to peer pressure, turning one’s morals upside-down and making victims out of others, including one’s own friends. Was there any remorse or guilt after it happened? Probably. But were the results pretty? Probably not. Throughout those years, I saw friends become enemies, and enemies become friends within days. I myself had a fight with one of my own best friends because he took part in a scheme that I felt wasn’t right. That led to us not speaking for over a week, and nearly ended our friendship.
But maybe this is the issue at hand: it isn’t the case that the line didn’t work because it is cheesy; rather, it is the case that the line didn’t work because nobody feels it would work. Too often, we see people only care about appeasing a few, and end up hurting a lot. To refer back to the Degrassi example, Snake wanted to please his friend Joey and ended up losing his parents’ trust. Not only that, Joey and Wheels also got in trouble for their acts, leading to three families not trusting their children for a long time. By pleasing a few, he ended up hurting a lot. Yet it mirrors so well in real life, as too many people are obsessed with friendship and relations that they no longer care for their own morals. They end up hurting those who truly care, and breaking the hearts of those around them. Now, there are certainly those who try to stand up against this notion, but these people are in the minority, never being able to fit in with the popular crowd.
Perhaps the most important thing about this episode and that line is the type of responsibility one must take in the form of friendship. I mentioned before in my piece “The Most Abused Word” that friendship must be earned, and both sides must take full responsibility of their actions. Perhaps that is what is lacking in cases of pressures from peers. In cases where friends ask others to do things for them, did either side consider if the act is the right thing to do? If one side ever expresses doubts, are the concerns listened to? Will the consequences be considered should the act take place, and will they end up harming another person dramatically? These are factors that could have been addressed with the “When you, I feel, because” response. It is effective in getting the message across in a concise and clear way, and may convince one side of changing the request or offering an alternative solution.
But the main question at hand is this: will friendship trump ethics? Will one go along with someone’s plan, all because one considers the planner a friend, and forgo thinking about the consequences and how the plan may end up hurting someone? This is the most troublesome part, as many people, when faced with peer pressure, cannot just let tell their friends to stop. There will be cases where the person’s conflict will cause them to place their own morals and principles as a secondary priority and go along with the friend. In the Degrassi example, Snake was a perfect case, as he was hesitant to go along with the plan to let Joey drive Wheels in the car belonging to Snake’s parents. But in the end, he became a victim of a weak resolve, choosing the supposedly easier way out by pleasing his friends and allowing the car to be taken. Although no real detail was given in the episode as to Snake’s internal turmoil, it is clear that he wavered in his responsibility to his parents, and the result is substantial harm to his relationship with his parents.
Perhaps one reason why friends may tend to behave that way is because there is always the belief that friends will support each other no matter what. I personally believe this argument has merit, as in “The Most Abused Word” I stated that trust and respect are the most important factors in producing and maintaining a good friendship. Certainly, in cases like Snake’s, we can believe that Snake trusted and respected Joey and Wheels enough to let them sleep over without his parents’ permission. And when they slept in, Snake had enough trust and respect for Joey to let Joey drive the car. But certainly, in the end, these friends did not support each other, as they merely built a complex web of excuses and situations that led to all three of them being punished. So while the argument is laudable, it is not the case that the guaranteed support friends have for each other will make a situation more ethical or moral. There may be cases that friends get together to do something that seems innocent, but ends in tragedy. A great example in drunk driving: friends may go out for a drink and insist on driving home under the influence. Should an accident occur that takes another person’s life away, how well these friends support each other is irrelevant, as another life has been cruelly taken away due to this act.
It brings up the interesting point of how friends should really act in cases like these. Earlier, I mentioned that “When you, I feel, because” is effective in getting the message across, but in cases of real friendship, shouldn’t one’s friends pause to hear out the concerns? In my mind, support between friends is not merely the support for each other after an incident. Rather, support for friends should occur before the incident, as a way to remedy the problem before it starts. For Snake’s case, had he resorted to that, it would become clear to him that Joey, should he keep refusing to listen and insisting on driving, is not a very good friend. One can see that Joey abused trust and respect with his constant badgering and the line “Trust Me,” to the point where Snake had no option left. So for this situation, both sides must take responsibility of their actions; Joey shouldn’t have pressured Snake, but Snake should have been more vocal and assertive.
The same can be said in real life, where people take action and not raise any concerns, even when the thing being done is clearly wrong. Drunk driving is a great example, as before going to the bar, real friends will consider alternate methods to getting home rather than letting a drunk member drive. Another great example is something like drug addiction, or gang involvement. Too often in the news we hear gangs recruit teens by promising a glorious life of brotherhood, wealth, and power. But if one considers it carefully, how much friendship will one earn in cases where one gains trust and respect by looting, killing, and creating general violence to society? Is this what true friendship is all about? There is certainly no excuse in harming other’s all in the name of friendship. To use more extreme examples, sometimes those being harmed by a new gang member are those closest to the member, such as family, old classmates, and former friends. So in this case, one friend is made and satisfied, at the expense of many friends who can only wonder what could have been had they reached out quicker to prevent such a disaster.
While “The Most Abused Word” touches on trust and respect, further elaboration is needed when discussing how to sustain them. Too often we see peer pressure factoring in poor decision-making, to the point where others are harmed. While I passed junior high and high school rather unscathed, I feel for the many going through the process right now, and how difficult it is to decide the right route. Harsh lessons are learned each day, and while it may cause friendships to fracture, I believe in the end, we will all become better people this way. Learning to decide and choose is part of our growth, and only by seeing both positives and negatives can we really understand how to proceed with life.
This article begins from about a decade ago, when I was still attending junior high school. I just emerged from elementary school, having a set vision of the world, and felt junior high was just an expanded version of that. One of the core classes that each student in my junior high, whether Grade Seven, Eight, or Nine, had to take was “Life Skills,” where we are taught a series of subjects on how to relate to others in our future. It was a broadly subjected class, with topics ranging from health, life management, relation to others, etc. At the beginning, I truly didn’t know what to expect, so naturally I chose to go along with it and hoped I could pick up some information along the way.
Then the unit on peer pressure came along, and truly got my attention. My teacher at the time discussed how, as we grow into our teen years, we will experience a change in our psychology, to the point where we may be confused on what the appropriate course of action is. In the midst of uncertainty regarding how certain choices should be made, it is natural that the individual may choose to side with whoever they feel closest to, may it be friends, classmates, teammates from sports teams, etc. Rarely will family members be in this target group, as my teacher described that it is usually in the teenage mentality to be against too much parental input, as that may be seen as overly controlling. In cases like such, my teacher gave us a simple formula called: “When you, I feel, because.” She believed that, with this line, one could get their own views across, stating the confusion in how to make the decision, and hoping that one’s friends or relatives would understand the possibility in a wrong decision being made and leading to disaster.
To prove her point, my teacher showed us an old episode of Degrassi Junior High as filmed in the late 1980’s. It was an episode called “Trust Me” where one character, Snake, was convinced by his two friends Joey and Wheels, to hold a sleepover with them behind his parents’ backs. Unfortunately, Snake and friends slept in, causing Wheels, who had an appointment the next day, to be late. Given that the episode took place on a weekend, bus schedules were sparse, causing Joey to drive Wheels to his appointment in the car belonging to Snake’s parents, despite not having a driver’s license. Throughout the entire episode, it was seen that Snake was very indecisive, not sure what to do when each given situation arose. Joey’s constant badgering of Snake, often ending his offers with the line “Trust Me,” placed Snake in a difficult spot. He knew that going against his parents was wrong, but didn’t want to disappoint his friends either. And in the end, all three boys were punished, as Joey ended up believing that he crashed the car. He tried to get the damaged spot fixed, only to find out later on that the spot was damaged some time ago by Snake’s parents. It was here that my teacher asserted that her formula would be ideal for Snake to use on Joey. Given that Snake was confused over what to do, he could have used the line and hoped Joey, as his friend would understand.
After watching the video, my first reaction was that it was the cheesiest thing I had ever heard. It wasn’t just because I just watched a TV series from the 1980’s, but also due to the corny nature of the line. Given the way it sounded, as almost pleading to the others to not do something, I had my doubts that it would actually work. Was it possible that by telling the other side how one truly felt about an issue, it would lead to solving the problem? Naturally, I had my doubts, because throughout my elementary years, I had seen firsthand what bullying students faced daily. Moreover, I was the victim for several of these taunts and putdowns, and telling the ones involved in the act to stop it because I didn’t like it surely didn’t help. So surely, with a supposedly more “vicious” world of junior high out there, it isn’t likely to work at all, right?
But how wrong I would be, as peer pressure soon began to rear its ugly head; I had observed an unbelievable amount of bullying through the years, and luckily only a few were targeted at me. There was pushing and shoving in hallways, taunts in the lunch area, bigger students harassing smaller ones in gym class, all that sort of thing. I tried my best to stay out of trouble, and being a focused academic, tried my best not to be involved in any of the taunting. But it became increasingly difficult, as the number of connections between students increased dramatically. There were situations where my own friends were asked to be involved in such pranks, and sometimes I was told to get my hands in as well. It got to the point where the pranks were so nasty that students of age fourteen or fifteen were running out of a classroom in tears, all the while those doing the bullying laughed and joked some more, at the expense of their victims.
That really got me thinking back to the line I first heard in Grade Seven: “When you, I feel, because.” In a given situation, it seems so weak for someone to resort to the line. But in a position where whether a malicious act proceeded or became halted, it is the crucial line. So many times, I saw people battle with their inner selves, wondering if a certain act would create a nastier situation. They didn’t want their friends to be upset if they refused to play along, but they knew it was against their own morals. Too often, the outcome is to draw in to peer pressure, turning one’s morals upside-down and making victims out of others, including one’s own friends. Was there any remorse or guilt after it happened? Probably. But were the results pretty? Probably not. Throughout those years, I saw friends become enemies, and enemies become friends within days. I myself had a fight with one of my own best friends because he took part in a scheme that I felt wasn’t right. That led to us not speaking for over a week, and nearly ended our friendship.
But maybe this is the issue at hand: it isn’t the case that the line didn’t work because it is cheesy; rather, it is the case that the line didn’t work because nobody feels it would work. Too often, we see people only care about appeasing a few, and end up hurting a lot. To refer back to the Degrassi example, Snake wanted to please his friend Joey and ended up losing his parents’ trust. Not only that, Joey and Wheels also got in trouble for their acts, leading to three families not trusting their children for a long time. By pleasing a few, he ended up hurting a lot. Yet it mirrors so well in real life, as too many people are obsessed with friendship and relations that they no longer care for their own morals. They end up hurting those who truly care, and breaking the hearts of those around them. Now, there are certainly those who try to stand up against this notion, but these people are in the minority, never being able to fit in with the popular crowd.
Perhaps the most important thing about this episode and that line is the type of responsibility one must take in the form of friendship. I mentioned before in my piece “The Most Abused Word” that friendship must be earned, and both sides must take full responsibility of their actions. Perhaps that is what is lacking in cases of pressures from peers. In cases where friends ask others to do things for them, did either side consider if the act is the right thing to do? If one side ever expresses doubts, are the concerns listened to? Will the consequences be considered should the act take place, and will they end up harming another person dramatically? These are factors that could have been addressed with the “When you, I feel, because” response. It is effective in getting the message across in a concise and clear way, and may convince one side of changing the request or offering an alternative solution.
But the main question at hand is this: will friendship trump ethics? Will one go along with someone’s plan, all because one considers the planner a friend, and forgo thinking about the consequences and how the plan may end up hurting someone? This is the most troublesome part, as many people, when faced with peer pressure, cannot just let tell their friends to stop. There will be cases where the person’s conflict will cause them to place their own morals and principles as a secondary priority and go along with the friend. In the Degrassi example, Snake was a perfect case, as he was hesitant to go along with the plan to let Joey drive Wheels in the car belonging to Snake’s parents. But in the end, he became a victim of a weak resolve, choosing the supposedly easier way out by pleasing his friends and allowing the car to be taken. Although no real detail was given in the episode as to Snake’s internal turmoil, it is clear that he wavered in his responsibility to his parents, and the result is substantial harm to his relationship with his parents.
Perhaps one reason why friends may tend to behave that way is because there is always the belief that friends will support each other no matter what. I personally believe this argument has merit, as in “The Most Abused Word” I stated that trust and respect are the most important factors in producing and maintaining a good friendship. Certainly, in cases like Snake’s, we can believe that Snake trusted and respected Joey and Wheels enough to let them sleep over without his parents’ permission. And when they slept in, Snake had enough trust and respect for Joey to let Joey drive the car. But certainly, in the end, these friends did not support each other, as they merely built a complex web of excuses and situations that led to all three of them being punished. So while the argument is laudable, it is not the case that the guaranteed support friends have for each other will make a situation more ethical or moral. There may be cases that friends get together to do something that seems innocent, but ends in tragedy. A great example in drunk driving: friends may go out for a drink and insist on driving home under the influence. Should an accident occur that takes another person’s life away, how well these friends support each other is irrelevant, as another life has been cruelly taken away due to this act.
It brings up the interesting point of how friends should really act in cases like these. Earlier, I mentioned that “When you, I feel, because” is effective in getting the message across, but in cases of real friendship, shouldn’t one’s friends pause to hear out the concerns? In my mind, support between friends is not merely the support for each other after an incident. Rather, support for friends should occur before the incident, as a way to remedy the problem before it starts. For Snake’s case, had he resorted to that, it would become clear to him that Joey, should he keep refusing to listen and insisting on driving, is not a very good friend. One can see that Joey abused trust and respect with his constant badgering and the line “Trust Me,” to the point where Snake had no option left. So for this situation, both sides must take responsibility of their actions; Joey shouldn’t have pressured Snake, but Snake should have been more vocal and assertive.
The same can be said in real life, where people take action and not raise any concerns, even when the thing being done is clearly wrong. Drunk driving is a great example, as before going to the bar, real friends will consider alternate methods to getting home rather than letting a drunk member drive. Another great example is something like drug addiction, or gang involvement. Too often in the news we hear gangs recruit teens by promising a glorious life of brotherhood, wealth, and power. But if one considers it carefully, how much friendship will one earn in cases where one gains trust and respect by looting, killing, and creating general violence to society? Is this what true friendship is all about? There is certainly no excuse in harming other’s all in the name of friendship. To use more extreme examples, sometimes those being harmed by a new gang member are those closest to the member, such as family, old classmates, and former friends. So in this case, one friend is made and satisfied, at the expense of many friends who can only wonder what could have been had they reached out quicker to prevent such a disaster.
While “The Most Abused Word” touches on trust and respect, further elaboration is needed when discussing how to sustain them. Too often we see peer pressure factoring in poor decision-making, to the point where others are harmed. While I passed junior high and high school rather unscathed, I feel for the many going through the process right now, and how difficult it is to decide the right route. Harsh lessons are learned each day, and while it may cause friendships to fracture, I believe in the end, we will all become better people this way. Learning to decide and choose is part of our growth, and only by seeing both positives and negatives can we really understand how to proceed with life.