Post by Gifted on Jun 2, 2009 15:28:49 GMT -8
Bleh, I wasn't sure where to put this so I figured it's sort of random.
Put any quotes here! Preferably, funny ones, but any will do.
Here's some I got from a website (yes, apparently all these really did happen):
Professor: Temperature is an example of an invented reality. Temperature doesn't exist. It's all in our minds. It's either hot or cold out, but what are "degrees" really? Nothing!
Student: Actually, temperature is scientifically calculated by... (goes on to give long, technical explanation)
Professor: Really? I'm going to have to go look that up on Wikipedia. I get all of my information from Wikipedia.
Student: If none of this is going to be on the exam, why are we devoting a class to it?
Professor: Because I find it interesting, and you have to listen to me.
Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.
Professor: And this means that... [Looks at two students in the second row wearing striped shirts.] I just noticed that you two are matching! Wow! Anyway, this means that... [Sees another student farther back.] You too! [Stands back, eyes class suspiciously.] That's almost too much of a coincidence.
Professor: What did our founding fathers want? Who cares? They're dead.
English professor, going over punctuation: We can fix this sentence by putting a comma here... and here... and here. See? Comma, comma, comma. [Breaks into song.] Comma-comma-comma-comma-comma chameleeeooon!
English teacher: A rhetorical question is a question you don't expect an answer to. When a band yells, "Are you ready to rock?", they're not actually expecting someone to yell back, "Not quite, give us a couple more minutes."
Linda: Ugh, this class is so depressing!
Professor: Let's all take ten seconds to think about baby lambs to make Linda feel happy. [pause] Okay, back to Terri Schiavo!
Professor: Can anyone give me an example of an equal relationship?
Student: Husband and wife?
Professor: Oh, you're so idealistic...
English teacher: It's a big responsibility to be a goddess, it troubles me all the time.
Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that's good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Another Student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don't quite understand...
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don't know it...
Student, casually: Wait, let me get this straight: he was going to participate, but he was late, so he decided to hate, and that's what started this debate?
Teacher, baffled: Did you just rap that at me?
Student, to professor: I was doing this piece where I--
Professor, interrupting: --Cookies?
Professor: So, the point of this lecture is never, ever buy a squirrel monkey. They will plot your demise and gouge your eyes out in your sleep.
Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!
Teacher on cell, grading papers: On the whole, these papers have been disappointingly good.
Professor on first day of class: I used to go around and have everyone tell me their name, year, and what they hope to get from taking this class, but I decided that frankly, I don't actually care.
Substitute teacher, as bird clock chimes on the hour: Is that a real bird, or is that just my drinking problem?
Class: [Silence.]
Substitute teacher: ... It's my drinking problem.
Professor: Children aren't property -- you can't just throw them in a blender.
Teacher: I love you, Daniel*, and I love you, Jacob*, and I love you, Madison*.
Class clown: Do you love me?
Teacher: I like you.
Class clown, after class stops laughing: So you don't love me?
Teacher: I try to love you -- I really do.
Math professor: Now, if there's one thing you can't do in Mathland, it's divide by zero. If you divide by zero, I will personally hunt you down and shoot you.
Professor: Facts are doo-doo.
Teacher: You will build a car from a mouse trap.
Student #1: Those things are dangerous!
Teacher: What?
Student #1: People have died from them!
Student #2: Who's died from a mousetrap?
Student #1: Over 16 babies have been killed by mousetraps.
Teacher, after pause: People, keep your babies away from it.
Student: Professor Barnes*, can you please explain where you got the last line there?
Professor: [Looks at blackboard, turns back to the class, and clasps his hands] It came from God.
Old teacher, petting student's hair: Your hair is so pretty. When you graduate, you should donate it to the blind.
High school physics teacher: You see, everything has a gravitational force, so everything is attracted to everything else. For example, I am attracted to this door. This... is a really... nice door. And this table -- this is a really, really nice table... But I really like the door.
Student: Professor, can you repeat that question?
Professor: I can't remember! I just make this bull up.
[Teacher rises from desk and moves to white board while carrying sheet of paper.]
Student: What are you doing? [Teacher begins writing on white board.] What are you doing?!
Teacher: I'm writing down your homework!
Student: Oh, I thought you were going to hurt us.
Teacher: I'm just holding a piece of paper!
Teacher during earthquake drill: Guys, if we die right now, I love you!
Professor: I will now hand back your exams... These exams are in the order of who I would most like to date.
Put any quotes here! Preferably, funny ones, but any will do.
Here's some I got from a website (yes, apparently all these really did happen):
Professor: Temperature is an example of an invented reality. Temperature doesn't exist. It's all in our minds. It's either hot or cold out, but what are "degrees" really? Nothing!
Student: Actually, temperature is scientifically calculated by... (goes on to give long, technical explanation)
Professor: Really? I'm going to have to go look that up on Wikipedia. I get all of my information from Wikipedia.
Student: If none of this is going to be on the exam, why are we devoting a class to it?
Professor: Because I find it interesting, and you have to listen to me.
Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.
Professor: And this means that... [Looks at two students in the second row wearing striped shirts.] I just noticed that you two are matching! Wow! Anyway, this means that... [Sees another student farther back.] You too! [Stands back, eyes class suspiciously.] That's almost too much of a coincidence.
Professor: What did our founding fathers want? Who cares? They're dead.
English professor, going over punctuation: We can fix this sentence by putting a comma here... and here... and here. See? Comma, comma, comma. [Breaks into song.] Comma-comma-comma-comma-comma chameleeeooon!
English teacher: A rhetorical question is a question you don't expect an answer to. When a band yells, "Are you ready to rock?", they're not actually expecting someone to yell back, "Not quite, give us a couple more minutes."
Linda: Ugh, this class is so depressing!
Professor: Let's all take ten seconds to think about baby lambs to make Linda feel happy. [pause] Okay, back to Terri Schiavo!
Professor: Can anyone give me an example of an equal relationship?
Student: Husband and wife?
Professor: Oh, you're so idealistic...
English teacher: It's a big responsibility to be a goddess, it troubles me all the time.
Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that's good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Another Student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don't quite understand...
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don't know it...
Student, casually: Wait, let me get this straight: he was going to participate, but he was late, so he decided to hate, and that's what started this debate?
Teacher, baffled: Did you just rap that at me?
Student, to professor: I was doing this piece where I--
Professor, interrupting: --Cookies?
Professor: So, the point of this lecture is never, ever buy a squirrel monkey. They will plot your demise and gouge your eyes out in your sleep.
Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!
Teacher on cell, grading papers: On the whole, these papers have been disappointingly good.
Professor on first day of class: I used to go around and have everyone tell me their name, year, and what they hope to get from taking this class, but I decided that frankly, I don't actually care.
Substitute teacher, as bird clock chimes on the hour: Is that a real bird, or is that just my drinking problem?
Class: [Silence.]
Substitute teacher: ... It's my drinking problem.
Professor: Children aren't property -- you can't just throw them in a blender.
Teacher: I love you, Daniel*, and I love you, Jacob*, and I love you, Madison*.
Class clown: Do you love me?
Teacher: I like you.
Class clown, after class stops laughing: So you don't love me?
Teacher: I try to love you -- I really do.
Math professor: Now, if there's one thing you can't do in Mathland, it's divide by zero. If you divide by zero, I will personally hunt you down and shoot you.
Professor: Facts are doo-doo.
Teacher: You will build a car from a mouse trap.
Student #1: Those things are dangerous!
Teacher: What?
Student #1: People have died from them!
Student #2: Who's died from a mousetrap?
Student #1: Over 16 babies have been killed by mousetraps.
Teacher, after pause: People, keep your babies away from it.
Student: Professor Barnes*, can you please explain where you got the last line there?
Professor: [Looks at blackboard, turns back to the class, and clasps his hands] It came from God.
Old teacher, petting student's hair: Your hair is so pretty. When you graduate, you should donate it to the blind.
High school physics teacher: You see, everything has a gravitational force, so everything is attracted to everything else. For example, I am attracted to this door. This... is a really... nice door. And this table -- this is a really, really nice table... But I really like the door.
Student: Professor, can you repeat that question?
Professor: I can't remember! I just make this bull up.
[Teacher rises from desk and moves to white board while carrying sheet of paper.]
Student: What are you doing? [Teacher begins writing on white board.] What are you doing?!
Teacher: I'm writing down your homework!
Student: Oh, I thought you were going to hurt us.
Teacher: I'm just holding a piece of paper!
Teacher during earthquake drill: Guys, if we die right now, I love you!
Professor: I will now hand back your exams... These exams are in the order of who I would most like to date.